Why aren't I happy?
A question I can't help but ask myself everyday since 2019 came into existance.
Why aren't I happy? Let me think for a second about what kind of life I actually have...
I live in a two bedroom apartment, far nicer than I ever expected my first place to be. It's modern, minimalist, tidy, cosy and spacious.
I have a boyfriend, I'm in my longest relationship ever, two years and counting. He loves me. He's tidy, he cleans, he cooks (almost every meal), he dotes, he pays (his share). He has made all of what I'm living right now possible, and that's a pretty good deal.
I have a job, it pays the rent and the bills. I can eat a good diet, I can even afford takeaways. I'm saving, we're saving. For a house, a home, for the future and for a family.
I'm on my second career now. My first, I'd class as a success but I couldn't see it working out with my future goals. So I started again. I'm doing an apprenticeship at an agency where I can sit on my phone, wear what I want and swear out loud when the computer is pissing me off.
I have plans, like I actually have a place to be a couple years from now. I want to travel, to learn and to experience in the meantime. I have the money and the drive to do that. Since being with my boyfriend we've been to Amsterdamn, Rome, Budapest, Los Angeles & San Fransisco. This year we're going to Vancouver, Toronto & London.
My mental health is the best it has been since I was like 9. That sounds unrealistic but at 10 my single parent mother got her first boyfriend, at 13 I got my first sister, hormones exploded, I got into arguments with my family, I met my first boyfriend at 15 and 360 days and spent the next 6 years high.
To be fair, those 6 years were incredible, and challenging and traumatic. But I felt and experienced so much as high as I did low, and it got pretty low.
I've been on meds and off meds and back on meds, now I'm off and have been for at least 5 months. I'm doing great, I really am. I'm still emotional at times, I think that's normal. I still have a lot to deal with, more than a lot of people, less than others. I feel like I can finally breathe and think clearly though. It's hard, because I have so many thoughts zapping around my brain, but once I really put my mind to it, it's pretty simple. Life is good, I am lucky to be where I am now. I have lived and I have learned.
So then, why aren't I happy?
Maybe I am. Maybe this is. Maybe what you see on the TV and the internet isn't really happy, it's pretend. Perhaps if I came off all social media I'd finally start to feel happy with my life. This sounds like something worth a try and maybe I'd be more excited by the idea if I actually used social media that often. Of course I browse, who doesn't? But I wouldn't really say I take part.
Is it that I'm not where I dreamed of being? Maybe, but I sometimes think I'm somewhere better. I'm safe and comfortable, I'm not constantly looking for work or travelling the country. Maybe my mind isn't built for still. I have to remind myself of my goals, and what's really important to me. Family, home, comfort, security. All those things my boyfriend can provide for me if I can just be happy to be on the journey with him.
I feel like I'm destroying my perfect life and cracks are starting to show. To which, I cannot deny their existance once they have appeared to me. But what are cracks? Aren't they things that can be fixed, plastered, sewn back together? Do I really have to give it all up for a few cracks in the walls?
I don't think I do, I think that's stupid and I would regret it. I'm not scared of failure or being alone, I'm scared of regreting what I've let go. Because it's happened before and it almost broke my soul. I think I am happy. I used to say it almost everyday in 2018. I think I'm just suffering with an overactive mind that gets bored at work so tries to pick holes in the rest of my life. This time I won't be muting the mind with narcotics. I just need to find myself a better outlet, try yoga, find a meditation class. I'll figure it out. Until then, please don't give up what good life you have.
Why aren't I happy? Let me think for a second about what kind of life I actually have...
I live in a two bedroom apartment, far nicer than I ever expected my first place to be. It's modern, minimalist, tidy, cosy and spacious.
I have a boyfriend, I'm in my longest relationship ever, two years and counting. He loves me. He's tidy, he cleans, he cooks (almost every meal), he dotes, he pays (his share). He has made all of what I'm living right now possible, and that's a pretty good deal.
I have a job, it pays the rent and the bills. I can eat a good diet, I can even afford takeaways. I'm saving, we're saving. For a house, a home, for the future and for a family.
I'm on my second career now. My first, I'd class as a success but I couldn't see it working out with my future goals. So I started again. I'm doing an apprenticeship at an agency where I can sit on my phone, wear what I want and swear out loud when the computer is pissing me off.
I have plans, like I actually have a place to be a couple years from now. I want to travel, to learn and to experience in the meantime. I have the money and the drive to do that. Since being with my boyfriend we've been to Amsterdamn, Rome, Budapest, Los Angeles & San Fransisco. This year we're going to Vancouver, Toronto & London.
My mental health is the best it has been since I was like 9. That sounds unrealistic but at 10 my single parent mother got her first boyfriend, at 13 I got my first sister, hormones exploded, I got into arguments with my family, I met my first boyfriend at 15 and 360 days and spent the next 6 years high.
To be fair, those 6 years were incredible, and challenging and traumatic. But I felt and experienced so much as high as I did low, and it got pretty low.
I've been on meds and off meds and back on meds, now I'm off and have been for at least 5 months. I'm doing great, I really am. I'm still emotional at times, I think that's normal. I still have a lot to deal with, more than a lot of people, less than others. I feel like I can finally breathe and think clearly though. It's hard, because I have so many thoughts zapping around my brain, but once I really put my mind to it, it's pretty simple. Life is good, I am lucky to be where I am now. I have lived and I have learned.
So then, why aren't I happy?
Maybe I am. Maybe this is. Maybe what you see on the TV and the internet isn't really happy, it's pretend. Perhaps if I came off all social media I'd finally start to feel happy with my life. This sounds like something worth a try and maybe I'd be more excited by the idea if I actually used social media that often. Of course I browse, who doesn't? But I wouldn't really say I take part.
Is it that I'm not where I dreamed of being? Maybe, but I sometimes think I'm somewhere better. I'm safe and comfortable, I'm not constantly looking for work or travelling the country. Maybe my mind isn't built for still. I have to remind myself of my goals, and what's really important to me. Family, home, comfort, security. All those things my boyfriend can provide for me if I can just be happy to be on the journey with him.
I feel like I'm destroying my perfect life and cracks are starting to show. To which, I cannot deny their existance once they have appeared to me. But what are cracks? Aren't they things that can be fixed, plastered, sewn back together? Do I really have to give it all up for a few cracks in the walls?
I don't think I do, I think that's stupid and I would regret it. I'm not scared of failure or being alone, I'm scared of regreting what I've let go. Because it's happened before and it almost broke my soul. I think I am happy. I used to say it almost everyday in 2018. I think I'm just suffering with an overactive mind that gets bored at work so tries to pick holes in the rest of my life. This time I won't be muting the mind with narcotics. I just need to find myself a better outlet, try yoga, find a meditation class. I'll figure it out. Until then, please don't give up what good life you have.
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